ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Ape together strong
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
No. He’s not coming out to play
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
#oldknees