Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
You Might Also Like
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane