Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
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*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
“That’s what” – She
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.