What the hell is going on?
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Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
this is the best day of my life
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.