I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
You Might Also Like
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
Living the best life.. 😊
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
What?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here