someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
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I can also cook 😂
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Death certificates are our last participation award.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
The feminine urge to sneeze with wet mascara.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed