I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
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I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm