Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
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when there are deer in the woods
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
i meant to share this earlier
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target