9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
This is Beth. I said, introducing my kid.
And whats Beth short for? he asked.
Because shes only three. I answered.
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Me, reading some of your tweets
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.