me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
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How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos