wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
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[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Who knows what my boss meant when he said I had a lackadaisical attitude but truthfully I don’t care and I’m not interested in finding out.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.