PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
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Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Terribly Tuesday.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.