My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
You Might Also Like
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.