(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
I have two kinds of followers
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!