My mother’s maiden name is Password.
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Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
TWEET CALL
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these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”