I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters
You Might Also Like
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
adam and eve had first world problems
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean