Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
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“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life