Needless to say…*
*mic drop
You Might Also Like
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.