In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray š
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my 6yo: guys?ā¦ā¦can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ā¦ā¦ā¦š
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I donāt care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or weāre leaving without you
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she canāt play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, āJust whale song or something will be fineā. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
I explained āgluten allergyā to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I hope my company doesn’tšš
My wifeās driver license should say āBrain Donorā because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says sheāll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but Iām gonna enjoy pretending Iām on the fence until then.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, thatās your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isnāt allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldnāt that be allowed?
HIM: Itāsā¦ itās one of the rules.
GENIE: Iāve literally never heard that.
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I donāt have a phone.