I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
“How’s your day going?”
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta