Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
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FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Kellogg’s CEO just sent a company wide email telling all employees they have till 5pm tomorrow to decide if theyre ready to go ‘coocoo for cocoa puffs’ or take severance
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle