*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
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[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
If you’re a cannibal, it’s technically hunting, not murder.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.