You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Me: hey want to go to sushi?
Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?
Me: well I’m down for a date if you are
Her: I only want to be friends
Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
![]()
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.