If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
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Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.