If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
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The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.