Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
I don’t hate children, just yours.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook