My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
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date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
😅🤣😂
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on