When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
You Might Also Like
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Lol
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Every work meeting this week
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.