Otters drive ottermobiles.
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Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.