[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
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Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Confused owl: What?!
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
im 7 sauces long
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you