The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
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Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.