Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
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I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
🤭😂
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Google Pay be like:
Mad Max: Furry Road
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.