Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
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HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Happens to everyone.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.