Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
You Might Also Like
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Did my cat write this
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
thanksgiving should be called feaster
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Clients after you give them your rates
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?