girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
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son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.