I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
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ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Seek kebab; not attention
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.