I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.