In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
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Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Actually cracking up @ this