I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Every time.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”