When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
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Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
Bring back the McRib
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
Gordon Ramsay is making us dinner. It’s a four curse meal.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.