This is no longer an app but a mishapp
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
[Court]
Me *taking the witness stand*
Judge: Hey, put that back!
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80’s new wave band you wish existed.