Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”