Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.
It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?
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She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America