My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
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Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
Solving a traffic jam
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
[in bed]
HER: I want you to do something naughty
ME: ok *spoils Infinity War ending before she’s seen it*
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.