I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
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Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
#parenting
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
definitely did not do anything wrong
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”