Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
You Might Also Like
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
Quadruple digit IQ
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world