“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish