Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back