[Bar]
HOT GIRL: When I think someone is hot, I just agree with literally anything they sayME: That’s interesting
HOT GIRL: No it isn’t
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The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water