[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
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All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
how it started vs how it ended
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty